Primal Hardwere Splorch Review

Splorch

I posted unboxing pictures of this gorgeous toy the other day, and now that I have had a chance to try him out for myself, I can finally review him. Lets just start this off by saying this has to be one of the most unusual toys that I own. I am very much so into alien fetishes, egg laying included. Just another one of my weird fetishes that I love to embrace and nourish. Aliens have always been close to my heart, and closer to my nether regions. I have a soft spot for a good alien toy. While roaming around the inter webs, I stumbled across a small company called Primal Hardwere. They are another company dealing in the realms of fantasy toys. They have a few lovely looking were-able toys that I know I will have my hands on sooner or later, and then, they have the Splorch…an ovipositor dildo! The heavens opened up and sang, and I couldn't click that buy now button fast enough!! There is quite literally nothing like this anywhere else. So for those of you who are into alien play, I think you need to invite this baby to come home with you. Who knows maybe you could have an EGGcellent night! ok ok sorry I had to. Bad pun, but great toy, promise. The Splorch is a dildo that can have silicone, gelatin, or ice eggs inserted into it so it can "deposit" them wherever you like. But a warning to ladies, I said GELATIN not, JELLO. Jello has sugar and that is a huge no no for your Vag. Can you say yeast infection? If you use Jello, that is the road you are headed down. Eggs are inserted into the bottom through an opening, and can be squeezed up the shaft, and out through the top. Sounds intriguing, yes? 

shipping 10/10 

Shipping was quick and easy. I ordered my Splorch and it was in my hands in less than two weeks! Talk about quick for a custom toy! Lets give a round of applause to Primal Hardwere! My Splorch came shipped in a discreet brown box, and was packed neatly inside within a plastic package. The Splorch comes with a free egg mold and several nifty little business cards which was pretty sweet! Not as personal as Exotic Erotic's packaging but still good. Thats not the important part anyway! 

I ordered my Splorch with these custom options: 

Size: One size, here are the dimensions- 

total height: 10.5"

shaft length: 9.5"

diameter: 2" (without eggs in it)

shaft circumference: 6.5"

So to put it lightly the Splorch is not for the faint of heart, make no mistake this is a big toy! And notice the girth is 2" WITHOUT eggs, when you add eggs into the mix it becomes a whole other story! 
Silicone firmness: Comes in one firmness only which is fairly squishy to make it easy to squeeze eggs up the shaft, but it isn't too squishy to where it is not insertable 
Color: TorchFlame Blue- Primal Hardwere has a list of color options that you can choose for your new egg layer! 

Now lets skip on over to the review! 

Oral usage 10/10
As you know, no new toy can be correctly initiated into my family without a good tonguing. It's simply protocol that I do so! The Splorch was no exception. I cleaned the Splorch several times before use because it seemed to have a layer of baby powder like material on it, I wasn't really sure what that was but with a few washings it came right off! Whew! I explored the tip of the ovipositor first, running my tongue over its pincers, dipping my tongue down into the shaft. The fact that the Splorch is hollow opens up a whole new world of oral play, it is incredibly fun to slide your tongue in and out of both the entrance of the Splorch and the exit. The Splorch's shaft is mostly smooth except for a slight few very raised lovely veins running down it. It's base is surround by raised scales, and a sheath from which the shaft rises from. These are extremely lovely, you can tell that this toy was hand crafted and this for me is a good thing! Being an artist I highly respect that someone actually took the time to hand mold this toy! 

The Splorch is pretty girthy so getting all of it into my mouth to deep throat was a challenge since I have a very small mouth. But the filling sensation of it choking me was amazing! Then I could not help but to wonder…what if I made ice eggs? And…laid them in my mouth!? So I did just that. I popped the egg maker i received with my Splorch into the freezer and waited a few hours. Once mostly frozen I went to work. I decided the best place for play with this toy is by far the tub. This is a MESSY toy! This is not a toy that I would want to play with on my fine leather couch, no thanks! haha! 

So this was to be my first test with inserting the eggs. 

I was a little worried about this aspect of the toy. Before ordering a toy I normally try and read up on it. Unfortunately with the Splorch there are not to many reviews! The two or three I did find complained that the eggs were hard to insert therefore defeating the purpose of the toy. The insertion hole at the bottom was simply too small to fit an egg easily. This seriously worried me. And yet another review told the toy was too girthy for them so they had no review on actual insertion or the egg laying while inside one's body. This also worried me. But me being me, I figured I needed to know for myself. 

I am ECSTATIC to report that I had NONE of these problems. After some research on the reviews, all of which were pretty old, I am happy to report that Primal Hardwere has resolved the problem of the insertion hole for the eggs being too small. Before it was about the size of a penny, now it is bigger than a quarter.

I popped my frozen eggs out of the mold and put a tad bit of Bad Dragon's cumlube into the shaft of my Splorch. I didn't put too much because I was planning on putting these eggs in my mouth! Bad Dragon's cumlube doesn't exactly taste like an Oreo or anything. But in a tiny amount it doesn't bother me. I grabbed my first ice egg and gently pushed it into the bottom of the Splorch using my palm to push it until the toy sucked it in. No problems of having to force it in, or having it shoot back out across the room or anything. I pushed the egg slowly up through the shaft, watching the Splorch grow as the egg traveled up and that was enough to turn me on. The shaft swelled bigger and bigger as the egg came to the top and then suddenly…EGG LAUNCH! The egg popped out and flew across the tub. This Ovipositor does not deposit eggs slowly. No matter how slow you push them, they always come out like a little rocket launcher. This could be a problem for some, but I on the other hand went into a mad spree launching eggs as far as possible. I hand't even had it inside of me and I was already in love. I found that I can fit three eggs inside the Splorch, but add a fourth and one pops out, so it has a three egg max. The eggs are the size of normal chicken eggs, but after playing with the Splorch for a while the eggs began to melt and this had a totally new sensation. I would slowly push an egg up through the shaft and as they began to melt it would result in a nice dose of chilled water leaking from the tip just before the egg would deposit. This sensation was wonderful. Just before popping an egg into my mouth I would let the cold water run over my chest and down my torso. Temperature play is another of my favorite fetishes and this toy serviced that as well. Also if the chicken sized egg is too big for your mouth, just let the ice eggs melt a little and its much more enjoyable for those with a small mouth like me. This of course doesn't work with silicone eggs or gelatin eggs. So as far as oral goes this was one of the most exhilarating toys I have! And I give an A+ to the bigger hole for inserting eggs! So for any of you wondering how the toy works in that aspect its wonderful. It does exactly what it was designed to do. Though be careful when launching eggs during oral play, I nearly gave myself a black eye once or twice. 

Vaginal play 10/10 

So once I had my fill of egg launching I was ready for this alien to use me for it's willing host. I lubed the Splorch up, and attempted to insert him without eggs first, just to get a feel for him. Though the Splorch is made of very flimsy silicone, he is surprisingly pretty easy to insert. You do have to hold onto his base firmly to get him inside since he is very floppy there, but thats no big hurtle to get over. The Splorch's prongs give a very interesting sensation once inserted. They feel nice and flexible within me and when thrusting they move separately and press against different places which is a very nice detail. Though he is a girthy thing, I prefer larger toys so this was no big thing for me. So then I decided to insert some eggs. I started off with just one to get a feel for it. I reinserted the Splorch and slowly sank down upon him until i had taken about half his length, I didn't want to take too much of him so I could still have room for an egg. I slowly squeezed the egg up his shaft, but a warning for those who are not girth seekers, when inserting a chicken sized egg, the Splorch's size grow tremendously! This may be a problem for those who cannot take large girths. With eggs inserted I measured him at about a 2.5" girth roughly. But never fear, if you are using ice eggs, simply let them melt down to a smaller size and then its much easier to handle. But what a sight to behold! The alien's shaft growing, its bulge getting closer and closer to my body, ready to lay its offspring in my willing body. I bit my lip in anticipation. I slowly pulled the Splorch out little by little, forcing the egg to squeeze up gradually until the frozen egg slowly slid up out of the Splorch and lodged within me. When inserted the Splorch no longer launches eggs, it simply gently lays them within you with a small pop. Initially all I could think was "oh lord that is cold!" If you are not into temperature play I would not suggest ice eggs. They are very very cold, obviously. haha. But the intense feeling of the cold within me had me writhing in pleasure, that thin line between pleasure and pain from the biting, numbing chill. I clenched my muscles to keep the egg within my body, I wanted to feel it melt within me. I could only imagine a great alien leader smiling down at her little pet human, her egg successfully laid within my body. The chill of her offspring flowing through my body. As I held the egg inside of me, I inserted a second egg into the Splorch and proceeded to play with its egg laying qualities as I relished in the cold feeling of the egg still inside me. I could feel the cold water leaking from me as the egg began to melt, it was glorious! I then laid back and rubbed the shaft and pincers against the outside of my vagina and my clit. Within minutes of my alien queen pleasuring me I came to dripping, wet orgasm. I slumped down against the back of the tub and simply enjoyed the throws of my orgasm. Nothing can even come close to how wonderful this toy is. It's visual effect, its usage, just everything. I have never had more fun all around with any other toy! Though the Splorch is not exactly a "quickie" toy. He is more of the long toying session type. I spent nearly an hour and a half simply playing with him and enjoying him. This is a toy that deserves that long to be appreciated and enjoyed! 

Anal Usage: 

I have not tried the Splorch anally. Though since once again he has a large base, he is anal safe. That being said silicone eggs, and gelatin eggs are NOT safe for anal! Unless the silicone eggs have cords for retrieval. You can purchase silicone eggs with retrieval cords from a company called Frisky Beast. And even then I would be very very careful when using them for anal play. You don't want any eggs going missing in your backside. That would make for an awkward doctor's visit, and nobody wants that! Though ice eggs are perfectly safe, since they will eventually melt. I have also found that you can Freeze Bad Dragon's cumlube, so you can make some super awesome cumlube eggs that will melt within you for a slick, sticky experience. These eggs are safe for anal or vaginal play. 

10/10 for the Splorch in my opinion! I decided to start listing pros and cons on my review also since some may have a few issues with the Splorch. 

The pros:

1. There is literally nothing else like it on the market

2. Great for those with alien or egg laying fetishes

3. Customizable

4. Lots of ways to use it

The cons: 

1. Large girth isn't the greatest for inexperienced users and they do not offer a smaller size.

2. May be too out of the ordinary for some

But for those of you fellow alien lovers out there, this is the perfect toy for you. I love mine and he will for sure be getting plenty of use from me! Go check out Primal Hardwere and all their lovely fantasy toys! The queen alien wants you! 

Happy toying!-Ashes